Sunday, August 16, 2009

Normal Quotes and Adages

Summer has officially ended and the college students have returned. Here are some famous quotes and adages that, when slightly altered, might be relevant to Normal college students:

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat." (Winston Churchill)
Altered: “I have nothing to offer but some leftover take-out and a can of beer.”

"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light." (Albert Schweitzer)
Altered: “Sometimes our light goes out and we realize that our roommate hasn’t paid the power bill. Pay the bill and rekindle the light already!”

"Half a loaf is better than none." Altered: “Half a pizza is better than half a loaf.”

"He who hesitates is lost." Altered: “He who hesitates to go through a yellow light is late to class.”

"He who laughs last laughs longest." Altered: “He who laughs last shows that he didn’t get the joke.”

"He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword." Altered: “He who lives by Wikipedia, flunks.”

"Rome wasn't built in a day." Altered: “Uptown Normal and campus buildings aren’t completely built until you’ve graduated.”

"Starve a fever, feed a cold." Altered: “Feed a fever and a cold with all of the comfort foods you can afford.”

"Many hands make light work." Altered: “Many hands make plagiarized papers.”

"Misery loves company." Altered: “Misery loves company and watching YouTube videos of public humiliation.”

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Altered: “Beauty is in the bloodshot eyes of the last person to leave a bar or a party.”

"Necessity is the mother of all invention." Altered: “The necessity of passing a test is the mother of creative, rambling essay answers.”

"What goes around comes around." Altered: “What goes around the Uptown traffic circle comes around again as the driver tries to figure out where to exit.”

Welcome back!

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