Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Normal HSSSM

An anonymous source close to those who know people who went to school with people who work for the town of Normal has revealed that, inspired by plans for high speed rail, there are plans in the works for high speed street sweeping machines. You know, those small vehicles that currently go about 5 mph, with the brush that sweeps junk from next to the curb out into the street? Evidently, someone is applying for a government grant to pay a local teen to "soup up" the town's street sweeping machines -- adding larger engines, huge tires, and maybe painting some flames on the sides. It is hoped that they could reach speeds as fast as 65 mph, enabling street cleaning to be accomplished in a couple of hours. The machines would have the right-of-way at all intersections between 3:00-4:00 a.m. on Wednesdays. The secret plan is affectionately referred to as "Operation Tasmanian Devils" (like in the old Bugs Bunny cartoons).

When contacted, people who post negative comments about Normal on the local newspaper's website say they are already calculating how much money will be wasted on these machines, how noisy they will be, and are brainstorming derogatory nicknames for the machines (e.g., "Normal Squirrel Mixers," "Normal's-High-Speed-Waste-Of-Our-Tax-Money-They-Can't-Do-Anything-Right Machines").

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